NOUN: 1. Something hard to bear physically or emotionally.

I've worked for the last 17 years of my life. I'm not complaining. I've enjoyed knowing the money I had, I earned. And out of those 17 years, I've spent about 10 of them supporting other adults. (Not children)

So when my boyfriend of the past two years offered to pay the bills while I went back to school full time, I was... wary. Not that I wasn't ecstatic by his offer, and the chance to actually finish school before I died of old age, but hesitant on how it would affect our relationship. I didn't know if it was something the both of us could be comfortable with.

So after much debate, and discussion, I took him up on the offer. I quit my good, but going nowhere job, and took on the role of "Full-time student".

Yeah... well... it's not going so well. Especially the more hours he works. He's not even getting his 10 hr DOT breaks with this company, let alone the 34 hour restart. And they pay crap! He's fighting like crazy to deliver as many loads as possible, only to what little they pay him all go toward bills. And it's not like we have "luxury" items, like cable or internet service. No car payments or credit card debts... But he made a comment this morning about being a martyr, or along those lines. That he could see the higher goal of taking care of a 5 year old child, but....

I'm feeling like an incredible drain on him financially, physically, and emotionally. Honestly, if I were paying half the bills he wouldn't be stuck at this rat-trap of a company.

But what do I do? He's laid it out that he does not want me paying half the bills while I'm going to school. He believes I won't make it through school if I have to get a job, and he's probably right about that. But obviously it's creating animosity toward me? I just don't know what to do.... I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't work a quarter the hours he does, but even if I got a full time job and went to school full time, I still wouldn't work as many hours as he does.

I don't know... I wanted a law degree. It'd take me another 5 years to get there. I don't want to put him through 5 years of this. I don't want to be a mooch, a burden, a drain on him. But I also don't want to be a minimum wage worker the rest of my life either.

The point was brought home the other night when I was telling him about a conversation I heard outside of the college last week. Three women were talking about their divorces, and since they had never worked while with the man, then they'd been awarded alimony in the divorce. Personally, I think alimony needs to be abolished! There's no reason an able bodied person can't support themselves. None. It might not be as comfortable a living as they once had, but at least there's honor is knowing you worked for what you have. Which led me to the conclusion that I'm no better than those women. I'm still with my man, and I do my utmost to make sure he's happy and has the things he needs, but I'm still living solely off the money that he provides for us.

If I lie and say I changed my mind about school, I'll regret I didn't do it. But then he won't have to go through hell to keep a roof over our heads. I need to just get a damn job.

Category: General

Today's wanderings....

Hit the rack around 5am this morning for some shut eye. I hate when he leaves in the middle of the night. I was too wired to sleep, and then started imagining every creak and thump was someone trying to break into the apartment.

Woke at 9 and cranked up the ol' coffee pot.

Finite Math... What the hell do you use Matrices for?? What are they? Why do I need to know this crap? My major is for Business Admin. I seriously doubt I'm going to be using this rubbish. And now I get to paramtize (???) them. I don't even know what that is.

I never realized how many people felt the need to go shopping at 1:30 in the afternoon on a Friday. Does anyone work around here?

I found out that on the Yahoo maps page, you can send the driving directions to a cell phone. I just thought that was the coolest thing. Click the link above the map, enter the cell number in, and viola... They're sent to your phone. You have to have internet connection on the phone though.

Category: My Life